Trump the Can-Do Tycoon

Trump Takes Credit for Release of Obama Birth Certificate

By JEFF ZELENY

Speaking in New Hampshire, Donald Trump takes credit for the release of President Obama's long-form birth certificate. 

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/04/27/trump-takes-credit-for-release-of-obamas-long-form-birth-certificate/?hp

In other news...


Trump Claims Credit for Settling Longstanding Controversy Over Earth's Shape

Today, TV super-tycoon and National Buffoon-Laureate Donald Trump lavished congratulations upon himself for bringing "a satisfactory resolution" to the increasingly controversial question of the actual shape of planet Earth.

With today's release of research papers from the National Academy of Sciences conclusively confirming the Earth's spherical nature, growing public concern about a suspected conspiracy to keep the Earth's true shape a secret can now, according to Trump "properly be put to rest--as it frankly should have been months ago." 

"These clowns really screwed up their communications and credibility, in my humble opinion as a TV-show business professional," Trump said.

Over the last month Trump, in a number of nationally televised interviews, successfully elevated to national media prominence brewing concerns among so-called "flatters," a growing segment of  conservatives who believe that a conspiracy among elites was perpetrated to cover up the truth that the round-Earth theory is a giant hoax perpetrated on an unwitting American public.  Though the controversy had been largely relegated to the backwaters of public discourse, Trump's incessant public challenges to the Obama administration and the scientific community to "come clean about the shape thing" transformed the issue into a central story on nightly news broadcasts for the past two weeks.

"I'm proud to say that my unique gifts allowed me to gin up this shape thing into something that could not be ignored. No one else was able to force the bureaucrats in Washington to devote time to confirming a scientific fact. A fact, I want to stress, that was being withheld from the public by a tiny set of elite eggheads who thought we should all just take their word for it that they were telling the truth with their arrogant claims that the issue was already settled.  Like I kept saying, if its not an issue, then you shouldn't have any trouble showing the proof.  They should've just done this the first time I challenged their so-called facts. Well, I got them to finally show their stuff and the American people can thank me for getting this issue I helped make up finally behind us."

Trump went on to say that the kind of leadership he showed in both instigating an artificial controversy and then sweeping in to claim credit for its resolution "is just the kind of thing that Obama can't do--he just doesn't have the horsepower, and that's exactly why we are the laughing stock of the world and why I will win the presidency in 2011."

Reporters were quick to point out that the presidential elections will be held in 2012.

"Whatever," responded the vindicated TV-show mogul.